Meet the Pyro
by Kellosian
Summary: A humourous story about Scout, Sniper, Heavy, and Dell the Engineer trying to figure out the gender of Pyro. Sounds simple, but it's not!


"So, whatcha thinking?"  
>"Answer's obvious, mate!"<br>"Glad you agree,"  
>"Yep. Obviously a guy,"<br>"Yeah… wait, guy? Dude, look at her, she's obviously a chick!" the Scout said. The Sniper simply shook his head.  
>"Are we talking about the same Pyro? Besides, I'm a sniper! I'm pretty good at noticing things,"<br>"Yeah, well we'll just have to ask an expert, then! Yo, Doc!"  
>"Vhat now, Scout?" the Medic said, turning away from feeding Archimedes and his other doves. By that point the Scout's and Sniper's argument had drawn a few others to listen in and find the answer they were looking for.<br>"You have to do all them medical exams on all of us, right?" Scout asked.  
>"Ya, that's right…" the Medic responded.<br>"So, tell us! Is the Pyro a girl or not?"  
>"I can't say…" he said, quickly turning away.<br>"What? Why not?"  
>"Da, why not? I vant to know if little flame person boy or girl!"<br>"Come on, partner!"  
>"Nein! Ich bin mir nicht erzählen!" the Medic yelled. "I-I mean, I'm not telling! Pyro said that Pyro would burn me alive if I told anyone! You'll have to figure it out on your own!" he said, turning and quickly walking away.<br>"No prob! We can do this, right guys?" the Scout said, turning to the Sniper, Heavy, and Engineer. They all looked hopeful. "Alright then, let's get started!"

* * *

><p>The Pyro walked along the dirt path. She came to their trap; they were hoping for something simple. A simple confirmation of their bets. The Sniper had his scope trained on the bathrooms, a simple sign saying 'Girls-Left' and 'Boys-Right'. The Pyro walked up to the sign and proceeded to light it on fire. S/he then walked right by it and disappeared behind the tree line.  
>"Damn,"<p>

* * *

><p>"PYRO!" Heavy yelled. "Pyro, where are you?" he walked on the small bridge towards where Blu used to have their base, but it was captured months ago. The battlefront was mile away, but they never bothered to repaint the old base. Pyro ran up behind the big Russian man, tapping him on the shoulder.<br>"Ah! There you are. Good. I need help moving these computers," Heavy said. "Come!" he beckoned.  
>After moving all the computers, Heavy and Pyro sat down near one of the Engineer's dispensers, Heavy grabbing two sodas.<br>"Here, comrade! Drink up!" Heavy said, popping his soda's lid, taking a big gulp but still watching Pyro. Pyro looked at the soda, popped off the lid, grabbed a straw from his/her pocket and drank through it.  
>"Isn't it hot in that suit?" Heavy asked, eyeing the strange person sitting next to him.<br>"Mmmph," Pyro responded.  
>"Vhat? No one can understand a thing you say!" Heavy said. Pyro put the soda down, reaching for the mask. She unstrapped the back, slowly taking it off.

"Oh, here we go!" Sniper exclaimed. He was looking on Heavy and Pyro, proceeding to hand binoculars to Scout and Dell. Pyro took off the mask, revealing a man.  
>"Oh god. Oh god no!" the Scout exclaimed, who had obviously been thinking about Pyro suggestively.<br>"Told ya! Pay up mate," Sniper said.  
>"Hold your horses partners! I don't think that's Pyro…" Dell the Engineer said. He pointed at a figure off in the distance.<p>

"So, you _are_ a man!" Heavy exclaimed.  
>"No," Pyro responded.<br>"Hmm? Vhat do you mean, 'no'? You are obviously a man!"  
>"Here, maybe this will help…" Pyro said, putting on a different mask; a ski mask. "Sorry, my friend! But you, like so many before you, have been fooled by ze great Spy!" The Spy said in a French accent that suddenly seemed to appear. Pyro jumped out in front of them, making a peace sign and emitting a muffled laugh.<br>"Damn,"

* * *

><p>"Listen, Pyro, me an' the boys are havin' a little wager," Dell said, being completely ignored by the Pyro. "Are you a boy or not? The Doc knows, but he ain't tellin' us…" he looked at the Pyro, who had stopped and turned towards him. She grabbed Dell's arm, leading him towards the halls, down into the Central Intelligence Area. The old briefcase still sat on the desk, relatively undisturbed except for the occasional Blu spy that snuck in. The Pyro looked around, his/her pilot light lit. Then the trigger was pulled. Flames rushed out of the front of the device, scorching the wall in front of it.  
>"Oh, for ze love of god Montressor!" said an invisible source. A shape flickered, revealing a man with a blue mask and blue suit, hand outstretched for the intelligence. He fell, flames engulfing his body.<br>"Wow! How did you know? That was amazing!" Dell exclaimed.  
>"Mpphhh, mphh mphhhh mphhh mhh, mmmph mhh mhh!" the Pyro responded, hisher voice muffled as always.  
>"Sorry, pard, I have no idea what you just said!" Dell said, and Pyro mimed a sigh. She then walked out of the room, pulling a flare gun and shooting another spy right before he hit Dell with a butterfly knife.  
>"Damn,"<p>

* * *

><p>So, that's the beginning of my story! Not much plot, actually fits a plot like an old cartoon. Basically, trying to figure out if Pyro's a boy or girl. Simple enough, right? Line breaks indicate separate plans, empty lines indicate perspective switches. Also, when Pyro made a peace symbol and laughed, it was reference to Spy vs Spy. Get it? No? Oh well.<p> 


End file.
